I briefly discussed dealing with  postpartum depression (PPD)before, but little did I know then that I would have it ten times worse with the birth of my second child.

I knew something wasn’t right when I was pregnant, when I was getting agitated over the stupidest things.  It only took one dinner, where I threw a 4-year-old tantrum because my husband cooked the potatoes with garlic and onions, to really let me know that I needed help.   I spoke to the doctor about being agitated, being blue, and not really being interested in anything and we decided that the best thing for me was to go on medication.  It only took one day to start to feel the difference.  That is when I realized how bad it was.

Fast forward a few months and what I thought was bad then had been nothing in comparison to what I going through now.   I kept thinking to myself that because I didn’t want to kill myself, or harm my children it must not be that bad.  I was just out of it.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I only wanted to be with my son, when he was in a good mood, or be into whatever my mind was wrapped around.  I knew I had PPD, but I just thought that I needed a little space and that would give me the relaxation that I would need or I just need to muddle through because it was called being a mother.  Boy was I wrong!  Parenting is hard work it is truly a 24 hour job with no breaks, but for someone dealing with PPD the small things that come with having children can be overwhelming.

Some days I am doing great and I feel almost normal, while other days, I would prefer to have to deal with my children by myself because I can become easily irritated and annoyed by the smallest things.   Those days where it is bad, I only have enough energy to get through the day doing the most basic things possible.  But when I have a good day, it is a really good day.  I am able to get things done around the house and enjoy being around my children.

So what have I learned?  I have learned that I am not perfect and I don’t have to be, that my son and daughter don’t care if the house is perfect as long as it is safe, that I need to directly ask for help when I need it, that it is okay not to have a good day and most importantly I am only human.  I am only one person.  I can only be the best that I can be and I need to stop comparing myself to others.

I think that the hardest part to dealing with PPD is hearing other parents tell me how I should parent.  Remember, when you talk to someone you only see what they want you to see.  You only see the outside of the picture, not the inside.  You have no idea what they are going through.

If you have any questions or concerns please email me.  If you feel like you may have PPD please do not hesitate to seek help.  You are not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Ashley (Nov 2012)